


the color of longing

by Biza38



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Found Family, Gen, Kinda, Soloist Choi Soobin, Songfic, a bit of fluff too, based on blue by taeyeon, but the angst ruins it, flashbacks in cursive, idk how to tag, like a lot, no beta we die like men, no happy ending, txt debuts as 4 members
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25551877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Biza38/pseuds/Biza38
Summary: Soloist Choi Soobin records the songs for his first comeback while reminiscing about what could have been.[Bighit entertainment announces a new boygroup called “Tomorrow x Together” consisting of 4 members after the successful debut of solo artist Choi Soobin]
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	the color of longing

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work and english isn’t my first language ^^
> 
> Enjoy :)

Soobin stares at the mic in the recording booth. He is supposed to sing a song for his first comeback but the words are hanging at the back of his throat. It is the most emotional track, the piano in the background making his stomach drop at the onslaught of memories.

_The clouds were blocking the few stars that could have escaped light pollution which made Soobin just more annoyed at Beomgyu. “Stargazing,” he said, “let’s go stargazing.” There were no stars in the city but none of them wanted to destroy his fantasies. Except Taehyun, of course._

_“Beomgyu-hyung, I am incredibly sorry to disappoint you-,” he didn’t sound sorry at all, “-but you didn’t actually think that we would be seeing any stars tonight, right?”_

_The sad pout Taehyun received as answer showed him that Beomgyu — sweet, hopeful Beomgyu who never checked the weather forecast — thought exactly that. And Taehyuns frown couldn’t be more perplexed. No matter how much time he spent with Beomgyu, Taehyun still couldn’t believe how impulsive he could be._

_He was probably the only one among them who manages to be surprised._

_Yet, despite all of them freezing in the middle of a park they randomly stumbled upon during their so-called ‘adventure’ (honestly, Beomgyu acts like a 5-year-old sometimes), Soobin grudgingly admitted that Beomgyu might be onto something with his weird plans at 2am. Especially after he heard Yeonjun snort and Hueningkai laugh at the ugly sound._

_A streetlight illuminated Taehyuns disgusted expression and even Beomgyu broke his sulking off to join in on the laughter._

> **The white night is beautiful**
> 
> **But the night is even colder today**

_Soobin chuckled while pulling out the blanket he somehow managed to stuff in his bag that he took with him before they were all swept away from Beomgyus crazy idea._

_The others noticed and a cheer ran through the group, all of them celebrating the fact that one of them had thought of bringing a blanket._

_“Soobin, you are literally such an amazing person. Did I ever mention how amazing you are because you are truly the most amazing-!” Before Yeonjun could continue his rant, Soobin threw the blanket in his face while Beomgyu slapped his arm to get his attention._

_“Ignore him, hyung. He’s been shaking like crazy next to me. I think it got to his brain,” Taehyun mused, dodging Yeonjuns swing at his head. Soobin laughed at both of their antics and proceeded to move to a near bench so they wouldn’t have to stand anymore. The others followed him with twinkling eyes._

> **Look into my eyes once more**
> 
> **A little more**

_They huddled together on the bench, Soobin and Yeonjun holding the blanket on each side so that the warmth surrounded them all. Hueningkai was sitting in the middle, smiling full of happiness._

_Soobin couldn’t wipe off his smile either while watching Beomgyu snuggle up to him and Yeonjun hug Taehyun tightly. They were together, just enjoying the night and sharing warmth._

_“I am grateful, you know? For having you guys by my side as my brothers.”_

_The others usually would have groaned at Yeonjuns cheesiness accompanied by multiple ‘hyung!’s but in that moment, they stayed silent, unable to refute for they felt the same._

_Soobin simply looked at the sky, imagining multiple stars surrounding them. He tightened the blue blanket around them and hoped he could somehow convey how much he appreciated the family he had found._

> **My blue heart spreads**
> 
> **And becomes a withered scent**

_They stayed like that for a while, silently enjoying the company. One would think that it wasn’t possible for them to stay quiet with how loud they were usually, but that was what made them so special. Sometimes people just needed the world to calm down for a second so they could catch up._

_Being a trainee meant that there was music blaring inside a small room most of the time, mirrors reflecting sweat and the hints of pain caused by a headache inside their eyes._

_“I think it’s getting late,” Soobin called out to them, “we should head back.”_

_And they all responded immediately, standing up and folding the blanket while Yeonjun checked the time. “It’s been an hour already.” He didn’t sound too surprised._

_Beomgyu shrugged with a grin on his face, energised by the quality time spent together. After Hueningkai and Taehyun helped Soobin stuff the blanket inside his back again, they made their way back, hearts light._

_All Soobin could think of was the happiness he felt and the hope for a future where they could do this again, staring at the sky — stars, billions of them — and celebrating their debut, their anniversary and everything that came after that._

_He hoped they would listen to each other like they do now. Beomgyus loud wishes, Hueningkais bright dreams, Taehyun quiet worries and Yeonjuns caring scolding._

_And Soobins fears, insecurities, hopes — his endeared voice calling out to a home built on the silver magic every moment held._

> **I call your name but there’s no answer**
> 
> **It rings like an echo**

After the producer urged him to start already, Soobin finds the will to begin singing. He wants this, it’s his dream after all, no matter how wrong it may feel. This song is a message he wants to convey with all of his heart and he can’t mess this up. 

He sings.

> “ **You’re my blue, just like always.** ” 

_“Hyung, can you maybe not?“ Soobin was this close to throwing his pillow at Yeonjuns face who was rapping like his life depended on it. It probably did, considering that their monthly evaluation was tomorrow and Yeonjun had a reputation to uphold._

_“Soobin, you know that there are new trainees coming soon. I need to ensure that their first impression of me fits!”_

_And Yeonjun did place first in the monthly evaluation (“Honestly, what were you so worried for?“) and Soobin also managed to place high (“As expected from our rising talent.”) which ended up happily for both of them._

_The following week, they met a boy with eyes full of stardust and a voice clear as bells. Yeonjun introduced him to Soobin and soon enough, they started talking more often, getting through the days together._

_A few months after that, Soobin saw a boy walk through the door, marshmallows floating around him and sweets dripping from his mouth. He hugged him and decided in that moment that he wouldn’t let this boy go. It didn’t take long for Soobin to conclude that if he had this boy by his side, he would be alright._

_Then the final one came, dark flowers growing in his footsteps while the air around him was charged with melodies strummed on a guitar. Yeonjun showed him around and the twinkling eyes of the boy would follow him._

_So they became five, dominating the evaluation ranking and getting closer each day. Soobin kept his feelings close to his heart but he didn’t know what he would do if these boys weren’t there with him when they would stand on stage._

> “ **You’re my blue,**
> 
> **only filling me with longing.** ”

_And the emotions he felt when his reliable Yeonjun-hyung stood by his side, when the boy who came from a dark forest became Beomgyu, the boy who shined the most with a mic in his hand became Taehyun and the boy who was as soft as a plushie but more stubborn than anyone else became Hueningkai — he didn’t think there was a way to put these into words._

> “ **It spreads but it’s beautiful.** ”

Soobin sighs as he takes off his headphones, hearing a ‘good job’ from the producer. He bows and leaves the recording booth with a heavy heart weighing down his steps. 

Once he’s outside, he looks at his phone to check his notifications and Soobin isn’t surprised when he didn’t have any. There was a time when his phone would be flooded from a group chat he shared with people he held dear to his heart — 

_ I love u guys a lot _

_ ugh, yeonjun-hyung, what r u being so sappy for again. I thought we were done with this _

_ shut up hyuka! he’s just going though it. u know how he gets when we record a new album. he loves me too much ;) _

_ good job at the recording, guys! _

_ thank u, soobin-hyung  _

— but that time has passed already. He’s here now, a successful soloist about to have his much anticipated comeback. He thinks of the third track “ _love is not over_ ” written by his sunbae and why he pushed for that track especially to be in his album, and the tears are already gathering, yet he holds them back. 

> ** The words "I love you" **
> 
> ** Resemble you **

Soobin hears his manager calling for him so he tries to hurry up. He already has a variety show scheduled after his recording session since the company wants to push him a lot this comeback, so he smiles as brightly as he can, trying to hide the emptiness in his eyes.

He loves his job, he really does, but it’s just so hard for him to laugh and joke around with people who aren’t them. It’s hard to smile like he did with them when they aren’t there.

> **My days are the same**
> 
> ** My smiles are filled with you **

After the shooting for the variety show, thestaff all smile at him, congratulating him for a job well done. He politely bows at everyone while thanking them and he can see someone from the staff whisper to someone else about how respectful he is. He shoots the staff members a smile too but the moment he enters the car, it falls.

> ** But when I get farther away **
> 
> ** My sighs grow deeper **

_“Soobin-hyung!” Hueningkai called, trying to catch up with Soobin and Taehyun. They were walking to the convenience store close to the company building so that they could buy some ice cream for the members. Hueningkai apparently felt the need to accompany them during their big adventure._

_ “Not even mentioning my name. I feel the love, Kai,” Taehyun told Hueningkai with a disappointed tone but his little smile betrayed his real emotions. _

_ Soobin sighed at them, his own lips tugging upwards in endearment. _

> ** Between the slowly exhaled breath **
> 
> ** Feels like you’re there **

His title song is brighter with a refreshing concept which causes Soobin to think that his fans are going to be surprised by the amount of sad songs on his album. He participated in the writing process and the melancholic feeling probably reflects his mood in a way.

All the songs are close to his heart yet he can’t get the melody of one in particular out of his head. The song he just recorded, the fifth track ’ _blue_ ’.

> ** You’re my blue **
> 
> ** Just like always **
> 
> ** You’re my blue **
> 
> ** Only filling me with longing **
> 
> ** It spreads but it’s beautiful **

_ To say that Soobin was surprised when Beomgyu showed up to practice in a pineapple hat would be an understatement but they wouldn’t be best friends if Soobin didn’t have a matching avocado hat in his bag.  _

_They shamelessly walked around the practice room, ignoring Taehyuns groans filled with second-hand embarrassment, Yeonjuns disgusted frown and Hueningkais high-pitched giggles. Soobin could feel his heart be filled with the love he held for his members._

_ They were on a mission though, so he and Beomgyu blasted ’young, dumb and broke‘ on the speakers while freestyle dancing and if Soobin was wiping the floorand calling it ’sexy‘, no one needed to know that. _

> ** The words "I love you" **
> 
> ** Resemble you **

Soobin looks at the night sky and he can feel the tiredness in his bones. The shooting was fun but exhausting in its own way and he is really missing his bed right now.

The silence in the car is deafening but this, too, is something he got used to. Maybe he could have changed something if he told them how important that team was to him earlier — how important they are to him even now — but nothing he says now will change anything. 

> **The words "I love you"**
> 
> ** Will never reach you **

_Bang PD came to their practice room to observe their training which caused them to work extra hard to prove their worth. When the song ended, all Soobin wanted to do was lay down on the floor but he stood with a straight back, the members at his side._

> ** I can’t forget the warmth **

_He could see the sweat on Yeonjun-hyungs forehead and the slightly pained expression on Beomgyus face because of a slight misstep he did. (They would have to get that checked.) Taehyun tried to even his erratic breathing and Hueningkai was obviously tired. Despite all of that, the clogged mirrors created an atmosphere Soobin only felt when he was with these people working for their dream._

> ** Will you come through those warm memories? **

_ Bang PD looked at them with a calculating gaze and Soobin could feel his heart in his throat. For a second, he forgot that their boss was there. _

> ** I’m still afraid **

_ “There has been some, you could say,“ Bang PD began talking, “changes.“ And that was never a good thing. Most of the time, it meant that- “we’re taking someone out of the team to debut as a soloist without the rest.“ _

> ** But I’m acting like I’m ok **

_ Soobin tried to assure the members that he would be fine after Bang PDannounced his department from the team but the tears just won’t stop falling. No matter how much he put on a smile — which was shaky at best — the slight tremble in his voice and his tears betrayed him and soon, he was sobbing. _

> ** But I can’t **

_ “S-Soobin-hyung,“ Taehyun began, barely holding himself together and Soobin already knew what Taehyun was going to tell him, “why didn’t you say anything?“ Soobin couldn’t open his mouth, just like when Bang PD announced the news, and he was so sorry to Taehyun because he just wasn’t as brave as he thought he was. _

> ** I’m still afraid **
> 
> **  
>  You’re my blue **
> 
> ** Just like always **

Soobin took out his phone and stared at the headline of a news article. 

[Bighit entertainment announces a new group called “Tomorrow x Together” consisting of 4 members after the successful debut of solo artist Choi Soobin]

Some of the members wanted to keep in contact with him but he just couldn’t do it — couldn’t watch them achieve their dream while he stood alone on stage. Soobin regrets not telling them when his debut was approaching.

_ congratulations, hyung! _

_ we’re happy for u _

_ u killed it on stage, soobin _

_ as expected of our hyung _

Soobin regrets a lot of things but he doesn’t know if anything will get close to the moment he stayed silent as Bang PD announced the so-called ‘change’. Not replying to his members —  _ex-members_ ,  his brain whispers, but he ignores it — is a close second though, especially when he has so much to say.

> ** The words "I love you" **
> 
> ** Resemble you **
> 
> ** The words "I love you" **
> 
> ** Will never reach you **

His comeback stage is a success and his fans are loving it. Many comments say that they’ve decided to become a fan after his appearance on the variety show he filmed — one out of the many he has yet to film after the amount of offers he got rose rapidly — and he was on the peak of many music charts.

At the same time, people were talking about the much anticipated debut of Bighits new boygroup and how they can’t wait for interactions between Soobin and his  _hoobaes_.

Their introduction films trend for hours and Yeonjuns title as Bighits legendary trainee that got out makes people wonder about a possible rivalry between Yeonjun, leader of Tomorrow x Together, and Choi Soobin regarding the title of Koreas it-boy.

When Tomorrow x Together debuts during Soobins last week of promotions and their title track ‘Crown’ gets 15,1 million views in 24 hours — more than Soobins debut but his current title track got 20,7 million views in a day and Tomorrow x Together are still riding their predecessor hype — the company suggests they do an encore stage together.

For the first time, Soobin hopes he doesn’t win but luck isn’t on his side and his  _ex-members_ stay with him on stage while he gives his speech and the other artists leave. He barely looks back at them, replying with a ‘thank you’ when they congratulate him.

He can see how much it hurts the members that he’s so distant, the far away hope in their eyes dimming, and he can feel his own heart squeezing in his chest. They probably heard his album.

But Taehyun, Hueningkai, Beomgyu and Yeonjun don’t try to approach him after the stage. Just as they heard his longing for something that could have been in his album, they also heard the message at the end of his fifth track.

> ** A heart that’s gone **
> 
> ** Can never be caught **

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on twitter 👉👈🥺  
> I’m @soanotherone
> 
> I’ll try this link thing here please let it work
> 
> twitter
> 
> ^if it didn’t work, ignore my embarrassment please thank you


End file.
